l i m e

It’s a little past 12, I should have been sleeping hours ago…  Got work at 6 am.  I know I’ve been here before.  Forcing myself to sleep made it even worse.  So I toss and turn…  Counted every effin’ sheep…  It came like an epiphany, I just have to blog a bit…I turned on my laptop and got a little scare, the computer clock says it’s 2:30…  It’s on Aussie time and I felt so stupid for not even noticing that I hadn’t reset the clock since I got back over a year ago…  How could I not notice something like that huh?  Have I been on my zombie mode forever?

So I walk down memory lane but as I got further into it, I felt an ache within…  I realized just how much I missed stuff about the past.  It seemed like everything was so simIple then (It didn’t seem that way at that time, of course)…  Deeper into my thoughts, the aching lingered but I realized just how much I’ve grown…  Everything right now feels the same but looking back made me see how different it really is…  the people I see everyday…  the places I go to…  the stuff I talk about…  It’s just so different…  Yes, I miss certain things about the past but I wouldn’t trade my life now for it…  I think I’m a-ok with how my life chronologically happened…

One thing I love now is having Scie in my life…  Before him and after a previous relationship, i thought I was going to be cynical…  but somewhere between the past and him, he must have changed something to make me brutally love loving again!  It feels like everything i’ve wanted all along is what I have now…  no more, no less…  Being loved in return by the person you love is indeed one of life’s greatest surprises and pleasures…  It just couldn’t get any better than this!  And no matter how different it is from the past, I know for sure that this is where I wanna be…  And I have my past to thank for getting me to where I am now…  Ahhh love…  it has been the topic of literature for the longest time…  Call me cheesy…  Call me sappy…  I don’t care…  That’s the whole point of calling yourself “in love”…  Unfortunately, the same love that makes you float on Cloud 9 is the same love that will make you cry your eyes out, cause it to puff so bad, you’d think you’ve got exopthalmus or something…  But for most part, you will appreciate its existence and Thank God for giving you that one person who is capable of making you laugh and cry at the same time…

And talking about love…  Corazon Mi Corazon Locsin Montelibano Memorial Regional Hospital…  =p  The thought of work made me wish I wasn’t blogging…  I can’t help but think which ward will I get assigned today…  The number of patients is killing me!  But being in CLMMRH is one hell of an experience…  It has been a daily challenge…  It teaches you to sympathize and empathize…  You meet people from all walks of life and it teaches you how to deal with each one…  from an angry doctor who’s fuming mad at you for panicking during the first time you assist for intubation or an even angrier middle aged woman who shouts at you nonstop after you asked her to fill up the survey form and explaining to her that all she needs to do is to read it and check is she conforms or not, she freaks out and you wonder…  finally, she admits that she couldn’t read and it felt like it was your fault that she was deprived of that…  Every day is indeed a new day…  There are days when I’d get home and feel so proud of myself for being able to actually finish every order the doctors made for at least 15 patients all in one shift and there are those unimaginable nights when you can sleep thinking if you forgot something or did everything right…  no, this is not one of those nights…  this is prolly what i can call insomnia etiology unknown…  =) There are the cons of course, which I woulnd’t really dwell on for now…  let’s just say I am trying to fill myself with good work vibes…  it’s tough being there but going through it and actually finishing it will surely be an achievement!

Hmmm…  what else can I blab about?  My so called friend who sends to many messages the receiver would think was only meant for her…  I have nothing to do with you anymore, it just so happened that you crossed my mind because I just saw a pile of coloring books and the first one was Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs…  haha…  yeah, you remind me of the latter…  all i can say to you is that I am so thankful that i or we discovered what you were up to all along and that i so regret showing you around, being nice to you and if there’s one thing i regret the most, it’s welcoming you into my home!  I hope you get to read this but you wouldn’t understand it anyway…  haha…  thanks for making me laugh inside when you said you were having a really bad mindgrain and that you wanted me to take vitamin c to boAst my immune system…  haha…  sa ka tikalon na gle sang immune system ko subong…  woot…  woot…  i am relieved and now i can say that i truly forgive you but i just can’t promise not to laugh if i remember mindgrain again and i just hope i don’t get one while laughing…  that would make me similar to my immune system then…

And so I rest my case.  Zzzzzzz…

(This is a response to a note that was posted by Dominic Lindaya entitled “Hidden Stars,” an article written by Thea Sophia Centaine Guanzon.)

It’s great to see someone actually take notice of the legacy PSG has built around itself.

I will always look back and thank Manny for taking me in. It is very rare that you have an organization that nurtures talent AND camaraderie, offering an equal opportunity to all those who wish to take a chance and work hard with it. Only in PSG, and I guarantee this, that failure is treated in the same vein as success. That one’s tools are second only to one’s ability to work with none at all. That hard work does pay off. That bullshit takes you nowhere. That what you give is exactly what you get. All the cliches apply. The real world begins here. Theoretical and Application all rolled into one.

I would not have gone far into what I am doing now had it not been for the many nights I’ve spent moving sets in the PAC, logging footages in the linear-editing room, listening to Sublime and Bob Marley, painting the platforms black, etc. Though I didn’t stay long within the organization, the lessons I learned from PSG (and the NSW) are still the rules I set upon myself for whatever it is I do.

You can ask anyone from Bacolod who is in the TV, film or advertising industry and more than 90 percent of them have their roots in PSG. I would like to think that most of us have a certain respect for ourselves when we speak of our experiences. A friend of mine who had trouble creating a simple toilet out of a small chair and styrofoam is now a production designer. Another close pal of mine who has spent nights attaching cables to antique par 64’s is making a name for himself in the dark corners of TVland. And a young man whose taste in music was entrusted for a major play is now in the sound recording industry.

And they can act too. Ang iban da may time pa na mag-banda. And drink. THE drinking. Ang DRINKING gid ya bla nga ginatawag. Take your time especially during the summer as you walk by or eat sisig sa taste station. They tell the best stories over sisig, red horse and nuts. Stories like crawling in the stinky darkness between the Gallaga theater roof and ceiling to attach cables, ghosts in the CR, or “part, wala ko napindot ang record” or “yots… diin na ang tape number 5 man…” Or kung sino nga guard ang puwede pakiusapan.

It’s been 6 years since I last worked under the PSG flag and I am very proud to see where some of my colleagues are now. Galapta ang PSG sa kalibutan. Not just in the Arts, Theater or Film. Even as engineers, managers or supervisors they have imbibed the discipline of process and teamwork that were rooted in PSG.

It is an organization that neither has a mission or vision posted in its doors to pride itself of what it can do. Which is weird. Because most organizations have their success based on words like excellence, values and guidelines.

Ano ya ang iya ka PSG? “We work hard, but we party harder.”

Big respect to whoever claimed that.

The work gets to you sometimes. Especially when nabulyawan kay kay late ka, because you lost the hammer, naguba ang suga kay bad wiring or waay ka nanilhig kagab-i. You failed. You end up walking home, lost and feeling like shit, then a familiar voice calls you. “Part, abi shot di anay.” The same guys who kicked your ass are the ones who will back you up and take you in. Welcome home.

Kapoy ang trabaho sa PSG. It was tough getting people’s respect before because naabtan ko pa ang time nga we had a hard time getting people to believe that we were doing ACTUAL work, that we were CREATING GOOD STUFF and that they shouldn’t judge us with the way we look. Well, hisa lang na sila. It’s tough, the hours are long, and what you built for 3 weeks you better strike down in 1 hour.

Kapoy, lente.

But when a PSG member hears that applause at the end of a show, when he hears the laughter right after the lights are cut, when she hears the the sniffles of a young girl pag-up music , he or she knows he has done his job and he’s done it right. Teh kapoy? Next time naman!

He’s worked hard.

Todo party anay for a job well done.

PSG has always deserved more than what people think it’s worth.

I hope to hear new stories of how the PSG is nowadays. Well, sa dason ah. Cheers anay. Cheers to PSG.

Cheers…

Dasiga na da inom kay 3am call time mo bwas.

People tend to judge us by the things we did in the past…  things we may or may not regret…  things we surely learned from…  It’s funny why other people would expect my relationship to f*ck up…  it’s funnier because they are betting on it…  do i matter that much in your pathetic lives?  it’s called the past because it has been done and that doesn’t mean it will happen again.  history doesn’t repeat itself all the time, y’know. 

 we are trying to look beyond each other’s past.  we do not judge each other by the things that happened before because we weren’t in eachother’s lives yet.  our past has taught us how to handle the relationship that we have now and we couldn’t be more thankful for the things that we have experienced before, because now, we know how to love and take care of a person better.  we are grateful for the fact that we have each other now, not before and not in the future because at present, we know, we are ready for this relationship. 

 to everyone wihsing us well, thank u very much and to those who think otherwise, there’s really nothing i could say to you since we matter “that much”.  the last time i wrote about this, i was angst-driven, i wanted to just make all of you miserable but now, i can just say, i am happy and if u can only live my life for a day, you’d realize what it would be like to have him.  he is not even one bit of who you say he is.  so sue me for believing his words more that what others would tell me!  sue me for being happy!  =)

1. That I am never too old to learn new things

I’m turning 25 in a few weeks (God, it pains me to admit that…hehe) but I still have a looooong list of things I want to learn….  Like play the guitar and finally put to use the electric guitar my lola gave me in high school or learn how to ride the bike (yep, I missed learning that very crucial childhood lesson) and ride up to Alangilan just like all these mountain bikers do…  Or better yet, familiarize myself with another language…  French, maybe?  It wouldn’t hurt to have a tete-a-tete with all these femme fatales, ye?  =)

2. That change is inevitable

There are things we wish to keep for the rest of our lives but we must also be open to the thought that some good things just never last.  Holding on to whatever it is is not always the best option.  It won’t be so bad to let go no matter how much it hurts us.  Don’t forget that when God closes a door, he opens a window.  Just trust that the best time is God’s time!  =)

3.  That it’s not a small world after all

There are tons of things to discover in this world.  If I have the money, I would spend most of it on traveling…  I want to explore the world and stand in awe of its beauty… For now,  I can only have my Wow Philippines adventures though but I always keep my passport handy…  hehe!!!  =)  Tara na, byahe tayo!  =)

4.  That somewhere in me is the guts to eat and drink the right stuff

I have a very fickle mind.  Health conscious one minute, pabaya the next.  Lately, I haven’t been really counting the calories that I put in my mouth and it’s taking a toll on my weight!!!  30 pounds…whew!  I did not even notice I gained that much since I graduated college and took up nursing.  A minute on your lips, forever in your hips!  Hmmm…  maybe I should start watching what I eat again and go back to boxing…  my gloves are just sitting around here, somewhere anyway!  or just quit drinking alcohol… it pains me to think of all the empty calories from every beer bottle and then the appetite to eat tapsilog right after but it pains me more to let go of my love affair with jose cuervo…  i guess #4 is something I should learn even more…hehe!!!  =)

5.  That it’s important to get out of my comfort zone

Either it’s sky diving or just strutting your stuff inside a bar, it’s the same thing!  If it’s something you’re scared to do, just go ahead and do it!  Don’t give yourself time to have second thoughts!  It actually adds to your self-confidence!!!  =)  Go ahead, make that first move!

6.  That a smile, a compliment or a hug can go a long way…

Smile.  Smile at every person you meet, you just don’t know how it can brighten up someone’s one hell of a sh*tty day…  It wouldn’t hurt us to give out compliments (only if we mean it) to the people we come across everyday or better yet, to that one person you envy.  Complimenting people helps us affirm that there will always be people greater and lesser than us and fussing about it will only make us miserable.  So accept that fact and indulge in peace of mind!  And of course, if you get a compliment, don’t feel self-conscious at all and say, “indi lang gid” or “ikaw gid ya”…  When someone tells you you’re beautiful, just smile and say thank you…  Indi ka pa, gin hambalan ka nga guapa ka!  Sus man ya!  hehe!!!  =)  A hug is one of the best things in the world…  Being wrapped around the arms of someone you care about…  That’s heaven on Earth!  =)

7.  That it’s great to be on the look out for possible things to like

Whether it’s a song you just heard on the radio, a new book that’s selling like hotcakes in National Bookstore or a movie that’s on next picture at your favorite theater, it doesn’t matter as long as it’s something new to you!  Better yet, try finding something to like about that one thing you hate…  a classmate…  a kind of food…  anything!  =)

Fill yourself with positive vibes for a brighter aura…  have a happy disposition!

8.  That LOVE is all I need

Over the years, I have lost the genuine outlook we would normally have.  Experiences have left me cynical in a way…  always on the look out for things to go wrong.  I no longer believed in love.  To me then, it just wasn’t enough…  Life has made me more practical…  it has made me doubt the goodness I see around me.  But no matter how cynical I have become, it has come to a point that I had the urge to search for what love truly means and yes, I will always believe in love and I know for a fact that it is all I need…  Thank you Beatles for that song!!!  hehe!!!  =)

As I continue to live, I know my list will get longer and longer but I wouldn’t mind learning new things every day…  That’s what makes my daily living and loving an adventure!!!  Ahhhh, Life…  lovet!!!  =)

sunset with my sunshine

When it comes to relationships,

maybe we’re all in glass houses
and shouldn’t throw stones.
Because you can never really know…

Some people are settling down,

some people are settling,
and some people refuse to settle

for anything less
than Butterflies.”

–Carrie
Sex and the City

Settling, settling down or refusing to do so…

We tend to be ideal people and would refuse to settle with just anyone else. I’m not saying it’s wrong but sometimes, too much idealism can blind us thus we fail to see that the one we’re with is the one we’ve always wanted after all.

I used to convince myself that I will never

settle for anything less than what can give me all the shivers running down my spine for the rest of my life. I was young and as much as I hate to say this, blinded with too much idealism. So much for the fairytale I was day dreaming about. When you’re young, you tend to see yourself as the princess waiting to be swept of her feet by her prince.

As i grew up, I realized what meeting half way can do to a relationship. I used to believe in compromise but why make yourself or the one you love give up something to make way for what the other wants when you can figure out doing both, right? It’s just like watching an action flick with him and he watches a cheesy girly movie with you right after… =) I so love win-win situations. Everybody happy.

I am used to getting things my way. I am an only child and I know that I have the tendency to be very spoiled and rotten but somehow and I was like that during my previous relationships. Ako. Ako. Ako. If you can’t conform with what I want then there was no way I will reconcile with what can be offered. Somehow, being in this relationship now has made me see that I am not the only reason why this Earth revolves. I share it with billions of people. I learned how to value what he wants the same way that I value mine. I’m finally getting the feel of things in this relationship. I know, I treaded unfamiliar waters when I decided to be with this person and try to make things the way it should be. I thought it was going to be hard… It was, at first but somehow, things fell into their own perspective. Being with him has given me the peace of mind that I have been praying for. Scie is indeed my answered prayer. A constant reminder of how blessed I am ever single day just to know that I have someone like him in my life.

On settling down… Hmmm… We still have a lot more things to discover about each other… More trials to go through… More conversations over bottles of alcohol… More arguments when I’m too drunk to rationalize… More lessons to learn… More love to give! =) I have learned a lot of things and it is only now that I’m actually doing it.

Yes, we are all inside glass houses when in a relationship. We should think twice before we say or do something. A simple word or action can definitely make or break a relationship. It’s something fragile and I am doing my best to take good care and nurture what I have now.

Relationships are like sand. If we hold it with a close fist, most of it will only be spilled. Every woman is a Carrie loving her Mr. Big! Wink! =)

I love you Scie! =)

I have had many goodbye moments in the past and each one has always left me this bitter….  this lonely…  It’s that feeling that you’re missing it already the moment you know it’s almost out of your life…  Got ’til it’s gone…  That phrase will always feel like a slap into my face…

The issue?  My 2-month stint with TeleTech!  Okay, I must admit how shitty it feels to get an irate customer who’s trained and authenticated but cannot browse and to make matters worse, the customer has a mac 9 and refuses to be transferred to mac tech support, you tell the customer you do not have the right tools for the job and wouldn’t want to mess up his computer but he demands that you fix the issue pronto….  so what do you do?  stay on the line…  keep your fingers crossed…  and pray for divine intervention…

and then, that’s heaven…  at least for a few minutes of avail there…hehe!!!  =)  well, at least my heaven has a new definition nowadays…  thanks to being a call center agent…heaven is when the avaya is down in the middle of a difficult call and when you call back, the customer’s number does not receive any calls from an unknown number…  heaven is warm food in the pantry…  it is an aux 3 followed by an aux 4 and then logout for lunch…  heaven is an RDOT on a holiday, meaning it’s 100% more pay or more… heaven is payday and then spend everything in one night of booze-filled rendezvous with good friends from work…..  kgb moments…it’s being able to resolve a call with just power-cycling…  it’s singing under the rain (thunderstorm maybe, go unplug your 2wire 2700s  hehe!!!  =)  with jan and erik …  all my life without a doubt, i give you all my life…  haha!!!  =)  it’s putting on make-up on erik’s face and laugh about it nonstop…  it’s singing part of that world with choreography while walking on the side walk of plaza mart…  it’s thinking of the green green grass of home when i feel that claustrophobia is kicking in…  haaayyy, kahilidlaw!  =)

So I guess, I’ll say Au Revoir…  See you around guys…  =)

Punyeta, Staring at the ceiling won’t do me any good.

I thought I was going to stay long but things happen unexpectedly and I have to let go of something I’ve learned to hold dear.  Separation anxiety?  hehe!!!  =)  I guess, we will never be too old for that…  I still get all sad and teary-eyed when I remember that the 18th will be my last day working in TeleTech.  I will surely miss getting 60% (or lower) in the QA, sky-high AHTs and sea-deep FCRs.  It was hard work but it has been uber fun since the first day of training until we reached the floor. 

I used to have a negative perception of call center work, I thought it was easy and that there was no room for growth in the field but finding myself working in one made me prove myself wrong.  It was hard work.  It took a lot of familiarization and getting used to before I was able to do the work right. 

I will surely miss dress up days and how I spend an awful lot of time trying to find what to wear.  Yes, the heels were killing me but it made the whole outfit great.  One instance where I’d prefer fashion over comfort.  The office was carpeted so it cushioned my aching feet, at least. 

I will long for the cold food in the pantry, which gives us a chronic case of LBMs once in a while…  Moral lesson?  Don’t be too lazy to re-heat your food, that is the whole point while the microwave oven is there…hehe!!!  =) 

I will miss my affair with Dr. DSL and how it freezes up just when an irate customer is demanding for a dispatch…  but I will miss the irate agents more…  =) 

I will miss arguments with customers who think I do not know what I am doing and that I cannot speak good English.  Would it be my fault if he doesn’t know what a dot, a point or a period is?  And he thinks he is computer savvy?!?!  =)  Suit yourself then sir!  =)

I will miss my 15-minute Aux 1 smoke breaks, usually with Jan or Vidal.  Cancer breaks will never be that fun!  =)  And who would forget the almost - file note due to overbreaks?  =)  hehe!!!  =)  Senxa gid sa TL, we get carried away with our 15 minutes of freedom.  It’s bad enough that we absorb all the negative energy the cx’s throws at us and then we end up feeling all sluggish and irate ourselves.  Woozah.  Inhale.  Exhale.  Smile!  =)  As we always say in the job, Fake it ’til we make it!  =) 

But trying to look back to our never-ending laughters due to nonsensical things will never fail to make me smile, that I am sure of.  I am thankful for the friends I met at work.  Their friendship is the best thing I’ve gained in my 2 months stint at the office (besides the pay of course!  =p).

Haaayyy, and who would forget the RDOTs and the pre-shift OTs that leave us feeling like robots after wards?  SO much for earning, huh?  Pamugas-bugas, in short.  Hehe!!!  =)

There are a whole lot of other things I will miss at work but life goes on and I’ll discover and get into something else eventually but I will never forget what it was like to be working in TeleTech.

Goodbyes have always been hard to do.  I am such a drama queen!  hehe!!!  =)  But it’s true, subu-an ko ya bi, labot mo?  =)  haha!!!  =)

Thanks to everyone, especially Wave 2.3 who has made my stay great.  It has been short but sweet.   Thank you friendly friends and thank you floorwalkers!  =)  haha!!!  =)  Wala ko gid na ubra ang dream ko na maka usar sang blue chaleco nga wala laba2x…haha…maybe next time ah…   

                                        Au revoir!  =)

A few weeks before taking the board exams and before my 7-year affair with college life was officially going to end, I was thinking of getting myself a job primarily because I had no more source of income aka allowance!  =)  Weeks later, I found myself with Manong Khyn, going back and forth to TeleTech to take various exams that we fortunately passed, all in one take.  To cut the long story short, I got into the position I was applying for along with 30 other people, most of whom were very familiar faces.  To start with, thank God Jonas was there.  I was at ease, knowing that I had someone I have known for 3 years to work with, it kind of eased the anxiety of working for real (and for the first time) a bit. 

I met 27 other people (since I also knew Jelane) and the experience was and still is a blast.  Of course, there are differences, just like any other setting but the rapport was there.  As John (yes, John Mercado is my instructor in product training and he was so good at it…  being in his class gave me a whole new perspective of him…  surprising and impressing…  big respect!)  would say it, we were in the same wavelength, always working as a team from the start.  And I can see that he is right.  Staying up all night has never been this informative and fun at the same time.  It has been a great experience, getting to understand how the internet actually works was amazing.  I hate studying but I will always love learning and yes, they are two different things. Well, at least, to me they are different.  hehe!!!  :)  I love laughing with these guys…  CHE CHE!!!  =)  haha!!!  Remembering that even if I’m alone makes me laugh!  We are such jackfruits guys (Langka ever!)…  I’m just overwhelmed with the fact that I am actually working…  And having Wave 2.3 for new friends is a blessing…  These people never fail to amaze me everyday…  especially Vidal (right Jan?)  *wink*  Being here has taught me that this world isn’t only about me…  There are a lot of other people worth knowing and worth sharing experiences…  I learn so much listening to these people especially during the emoticon thingy…

I learned discipline during training…  I was able to let go of my social life…  no more night outs for a while but I was actually good since i was doing more productive things…  My mind is not really working right now, it can’t seem to put into words what I’m really feeling…  I guess, I’m just thankful to be here…  To Wave 2.3 and John, thanks for the wonderful experience and it has been great knowing you people!!!  =)  Ma che che na ta sa floor…haha!!!  =)

"To a still mind, the universe surrenders"

-Taoist Ideal

anx·i·e·ty (ăng-zī’ĭ-tē) pronunciation
n., pl. -ties.

         1. A state of uneasiness and apprehension, as about future uncertainties.
A cause of anxiety: For some people, air travel is a real anxiety.
   2. Psychiatry. A state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic or fantasized threatening event or situation, often impairing physical and psychological functioning.
   3. Eager, often agitated desire: my anxiety to make a good impression.

Referring to definition number 2, at least the cause of our anxiety is real, not merely the product of an unstoppable imagination but to make ourselves feel better as a form of nothing else but a defense mechanism called rationalization and intellectualization all rolled into one, let me quote a well-known philosopher.  According to Plato, "Nothing in the affairs of men is worthy of great anxiety."…  So there, let not the upcoming NLE be the cause of sleepless nights and brainstorming days…  because this world is yet to bow at our feet! =p  haaayyy, how can i fore go all the tension building up inside?  writing in my case makes me let go…  but why isn’t it gone?  haha!!!  =)  woozah…  =)  hehe!!!  =)  keeping my fingers crossed and my hopes high ah… 

"My head is bloody but unbowed…I am the master of my fate:I am the captain of my soul.
–William Ernest Henley. Invictus.

My Prayer: 

I pray for a mind that is panic free on exam day.
I pray for a retentive memory (and retrievable too!  =p)
I pray for honesty.  That no controversy might arise.
I pray, Lord that I might pass the upcoming board exams, only if it’s your will,

but above all I pray Lord that I will be able to welcome success and failures just the same.
I pray for all those people who are about to take the NLE, the road to where we are now hasn’t been easy but we’re here and we’re taking this fight all the way.
With you, Lord nothing is impossible.
All the joys and the pains, we lift up to you.  All for your greater glory.

Amen.

Woohoo, NLE here we come ah!!!  =)

                            Serenity
              Prayer

                                God grant me the serenity
              to accept the things I cannot change;
              the courage to change the things I can;
              and the wisdom to know the difference.

                               Living one day at a time;
              Enjoying one moment at a time;
              Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
              Taking, as He did, this sinful world
              as it is, not as I would have it;
              Trusting that He will make all things right
              if I surrender to His Will;
              That I may be reasonably happy in this life
              and supremely happy with Him
              Forever in the next.
              Amen.

~
              Reinhold Niebuhr

"To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders…"
                                                                   - Taoist Ideal

I say:  Be still my mind.  I don’t need the whole universe to surrender, just the whole world bowing at my feel would be more than enough…  hehehe!!!  =)

There’s a thine line between sanity and insanity:  Coping mechanisms…  =)  One jump and you go over board… 

Today, I thought I made a stupid impression on at least 250 people, only 50 or so of which, I knew personally.  The reviewer was discussing about personality disorders and I have always been aware of which disorders I can equate my behavior to.  She asked if who among us ever experienced self-mutilation or cutting one’s wrists and the like.  “Me”, I thought but I was caught off guard when all these people were pointing on me.  Before I knew it I was on the hot seat, the teacher asking me stuff and I had to do something.  If I denied, then I’d be accused of being untrue to myself.  Acting like my normal self, I admitted that sad but true fact and explained a bit.  I was 14… idealistic and couldn’t wait to grow up but as the realities of life unfolded before my eyes, I realized that I wasn’t ready for it.  There was so much pain inside that I’d rather feel the pain physically, I wasn’t the type who would drag others intentionally into my misery so I tried to find an escape.  And I found that “breath of fresh air” in cutting my wrists and feeling okay afterwards because I finally had an outlet to vent out all the bullshit that was building up inside of me.  The intention was not to kill myself (God, I am such a LIFEr), it was rather to just divert all the pent up emotions into more concrete objects, which was a cut in my arm.    I didn’t show it to anybody on purpose but I won’t deny the fact that I actually indulged in all the attention I was getting from family members and friends who gave a damn about me.  Ever since high school, I have always been fascinated of how vast and powerful the human mind is.  I have always believed that we cannot control our emotions toward a certain stimulus but we can definitely control how we act towards that emotion or feeling.  And that made me read on what I might have been going through and I understood.  I learned and got over that stage all by myself.  I do not deny my past, but please for all those people I shared it to, please give me the liberty to share it with others.  I opened up that fact because I trusted you, not wanting you to let the whole world know.  I thought I felt so bad because I was somehow humiliated but after the long “thinking-marathon” walk home, I realized that I was actually hurt because I felt betrayed by people I trusted.  It’s okay, life goes on.  I won’t sulk into these emotions just to add more excess baggage.  I try to look at the brighter side of things and it is never simple.  It’s easier to just mope and fall into depression but I have had numerous battles like this and I saw myself through each time.  I love my friends dearly, don’t get me wrong, exactly why I am putting it behind us and just moving on.  But far beyond all my social circle, I am confident in that long after the music has faded and all the booze consumed…  when everyone has gone some place else, I will always have myself.  But I am forgiving and I am letting go.  I trust that God will heal this hurt caused by mouths that just couldn’t shut up.  I am boisterous, I know that but I don’t put people in situations where they are embarrassed.  I am comfy in my own skin, contented with the things happening in my life, welcoming success and failures the exact same way.  I am not rationalizing or trying to intellectualize or using whatever defense mechanism, I just wanna be heard.  No more, No less.  Everyone is not oblige to like me the same way that I am not required to accept everyone.  I am empowered, I do not need anyone boosting up my ego because I can affirm myself.  I am proud to be me and I couldn’t thank God for giving me the life that I have.  It’s not perfect, far from whatever is ideal but I am contented and happy to be living it to the fullest!!!  =)